A Story in Honor of Lucille Ball's Birthday
I grew up watching a lot of TV. A LOT. There were five people in my family and there were four TVs in the house. My sister and I were lucky enough to have our own B&W white Panasonic in the small bedroom we shared. We'd watch TV movies of the week about teen prostitutes and drug abuse, afternoon specials about freaky kids who lived in closets, Dark Shadows, and of course I Love Lucy. Out of all the shows on the air, I could relate to Lucy the most. The Brady Bunch kids were too goodie-goodie, the kids on ZOOM could do things with their arms that I could never master but Lucy fucked up all the time. My kinda lady.
As a Jewish kid I was always looking for Jewish characters to relate to, but there weren't any in primetime television (this was before my personal goddess Rhoda came into the picture.) I could relate to Lucy. The way she consistently got into trouble was what made me like her. She got in jams that were totally all her fault and blamed other people. I got in jams that were totally all my fault and blamed other people. We were so alike! Except for the, you know, whole believing in Jesus thing.
I dreaded Christmas episodes of any TV show because they made me feel really left out. I don't recall an I Love Lucy Christmas special (and if there is one, please don't tell me as I prefer ignorance.) But just because Ball and Co. never did a Christmas show didn't mean they were like me. Jewish, that is. A Big Jew. But what if Lucy, Ethel, Ricky and Fred were of the persuasion? How would that have changed TV? Think about it. Instead of Lucy going to a chocolate factory with Ethel, she could go to a matzo plant and get her wig caught in the machinery (because of course, she'd be Orthodox.) Imagine the hilarity. Or maybe Lucy could force Ricky to get a circumcision. He could change his patented Aye Aye Aye to Oy Yoy Yoy. They'd need more than 22 minutes for that one! And little Ricky? How about a bris episode complete with animated gefilte fish (not to mention a Hanukkah special where he lights the whole apartment building on fire when kindling the candles.) Also, Fred and Ricky could go to a whorehouse during Lucy and Ethel's unclean times and what amusement that could be.
I believe that Lucille Ball would have made an excellent Jewess. She has the shopping gene. She has the hair dying gene. And I bet she has the kick ass Bat Mitzvah gene. What I would've given to see the flashback episode of Lucy's Bat Mitzvah complete with her torah portion, sung off-key.
What exuberance.
What delight.
What good television.
I grew up watching a lot of TV. A LOT. There were five people in my family and there were four TVs in the house. My sister and I were lucky enough to have our own B&W white Panasonic in the small bedroom we shared. We'd watch TV movies of the week about teen prostitutes and drug abuse, afternoon specials about freaky kids who lived in closets, Dark Shadows, and of course I Love Lucy. Out of all the shows on the air, I could relate to Lucy the most. The Brady Bunch kids were too goodie-goodie, the kids on ZOOM could do things with their arms that I could never master but Lucy fucked up all the time. My kinda lady.
As a Jewish kid I was always looking for Jewish characters to relate to, but there weren't any in primetime television (this was before my personal goddess Rhoda came into the picture.) I could relate to Lucy. The way she consistently got into trouble was what made me like her. She got in jams that were totally all her fault and blamed other people. I got in jams that were totally all my fault and blamed other people. We were so alike! Except for the, you know, whole believing in Jesus thing.
I dreaded Christmas episodes of any TV show because they made me feel really left out. I don't recall an I Love Lucy Christmas special (and if there is one, please don't tell me as I prefer ignorance.) But just because Ball and Co. never did a Christmas show didn't mean they were like me. Jewish, that is. A Big Jew. But what if Lucy, Ethel, Ricky and Fred were of the persuasion? How would that have changed TV? Think about it. Instead of Lucy going to a chocolate factory with Ethel, she could go to a matzo plant and get her wig caught in the machinery (because of course, she'd be Orthodox.) Imagine the hilarity. Or maybe Lucy could force Ricky to get a circumcision. He could change his patented Aye Aye Aye to Oy Yoy Yoy. They'd need more than 22 minutes for that one! And little Ricky? How about a bris episode complete with animated gefilte fish (not to mention a Hanukkah special where he lights the whole apartment building on fire when kindling the candles.) Also, Fred and Ricky could go to a whorehouse during Lucy and Ethel's unclean times and what amusement that could be.
I believe that Lucille Ball would have made an excellent Jewess. She has the shopping gene. She has the hair dying gene. And I bet she has the kick ass Bat Mitzvah gene. What I would've given to see the flashback episode of Lucy's Bat Mitzvah complete with her torah portion, sung off-key.
What exuberance.
What delight.
What good television.
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