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A few weeks ago I went to a new Mommy group. It was at the Teat Lounge, oh I mean, the Tea Lounge in Park Slope. There were 14 women who showed up, all looking slightly freaked out, tired and wondering how the hell they got there. (Or that just could have been me.) I'm not a group-joiner-inner and so for me this was a huge step. I was both nervous and excited to meet these women so with Mamie strapped to my chest and my vintage coat around her I entered the place -- and waited for something to happen. There were so many people and no one really facilitating that it was all sort of a mish-mosh and I got stuck in the middle of two groups conversing, with no one really talking to me. I tried to smile a lot and act all interested... but who am I kidding, I just wasn't. Only when someone who looked just as baffled as I was did I make my way out of my seat to greet her. Megan looked cool with a cute haircut and an expression akin to mine - slightly confused and mildly embarrassed. I found out that she was a book editor for an art house that I admired and pretty soon we exchanged numbers. "I"m better one-on-one rather than in a group," I said to her.

So today we met today at a cafe/bar in Prospect Heights with our babies in tow. I like this place a lot - they play good music at a decent sound level (unlike the Tea Lounge which blasts really bad music), have tasty snacks and isn't overrun by Mommy groups. I walked in with Mamie in the bjorn and looked for Megan, but she wasn't there yet. Paul's Boutique was playing and a few people were on their laptops doing some work. I felt pretty good in my vintage coat and cargo pants and Juicy Couture poofy-top-sweatshirt complete with indie rock New Balances in those hard-to-find color combos. But I got the distinct impression from the people in the place that I was one of "them" and had lost my way or something. They didn't out and out tell me to leave but it was just a feeling i got. I was no longer a cool person, but a lady-with-a-baby.

I ordered a coke and a sandwich and waited for Megan, gently bouncing Mamie in her bjorn. Oh god, I AM one of them, doing that baby bounce thing that looks strange to everyone else except someone who knows (i.e. a Mommy) that babies need to be bounced in order not to wake up screaming their heads off. I felt naked and exposed and wondered if I pierced my lip would they think differently of me? Oh shit, pierce my lip? I take it back, I AM OLD. Old and not cool. Is that who I am? I didn't think so, but it's how a part of the world sees me now, I guess.

It happened last week too when Douglas and I went to Beacon's Closet to shop for some clothes. We had Mamie with us in a carriage and even though Doug had his Psychic TV cap on and I was rockin' a Triple 5 Soul coat, it didn't matter. We had a baby with us and we were one of them again. Breeders. And a week before that when Jenny came over and told me how she was hanging out the Kings of Leon I felt it also. "Who dat?", I asked already knowing that if you have to ask...

OLD.

Ok, so I'm old and have a baby. But you know what? I LIKE IT. I like it because the pressure is off. The pressure to wear the latest fashion, to know all the new music and places to go,and to constantly be on the cutting edge (or even know the new term for "cutting edge.") So yeah, maybe I get looks like I'm an oldie -- but I know I'm also a goodie. There are those moments that tell me so. Just last week at the haircutting place the boy washing my hair said to me: You just had a baby? ! Wow. You are so diesel." I felt young and cool and happy to be exactly who I am. Not that I know what diesel means...

4 Comments:

Mark: Ha! Funny. We certainly had similar feeling when we first had our children Barbara. I think it is mostly because the first year or three is so time intensive with the babies you don't 'keep up' with what is going on because A. who has the time? and 2. who gives a rats ass? We were really happy to find that 'keeping up' was easy to let slide lower on the list of important priorities. We missed out on movies and new bands and records and TV culture. The time spent with our babies was such a huge time of growth for us and a time of amazing amounts of learning about our babies and about us and how we want to do things and how it doesn't matter how we want things to go sometimes because things go the way the want with out input from us. Now that our two spend a good amount of time in school (they are 7 and 5, kindergarden and forst grade) we have a hard time not thinking about them and not waiting until they come home. We are those parents who miss their children a lot when they are not around. I have a feeling you will be that kind of parent too.

Also, when we had our first, Ann-Marie did the mommy group thing through the hospital. We are now almost eight years later and two of those mommies (and babies and families) are some of our best friends that we see very often. It is weird to pick up best friends at this point in our lives but it is really nice to have people in similar places in their lives with simular choices to make about their children and schools and problems to face, etc.

As always, I enjoy your writing very much. Thanks for blogging.

I hope you and Doug are well!
barbara rushkoff: mark! thanks for reading and posting! we think of you every time we look at our teacher's piano. (if we ever decide to give it up, it is yours). i hear ya on everything. i miss mamie when i go to yoga class - even when doug take care of her for a few hours, i'm always like "i need to see my baby." it is also amazing to me how many cool women i've met since i had the baby. i've made more friends these past few months than i have the past few years. the mommy group wasn't for me - but i am at least meeting mothers or re-connecting with people who have babies now and it all makes sense. p.s. still have not hear franz ferndinand!
amysohn: Barbara, Are you going to turn this into a book? Sounds like a great opening chapter! Anything cultish is terrifying to me. Do you think the reason so many mommies look smug is because they often travel in packs, and packdom makes them appear to be smug? I wonder. The ones pushing the strollers alone always seem a little more (authentically) harried. I am curious about this new Judith Warner book, Perfect Madness. Read a few of the reviews but not the book yet.
Alan Abbey: The only cool people are parents , because really, the only cool thing to do in this world is to make it better, and the best way to do that is to bring better people than ourselves into the world. And that's what a parent's fulltime job really is - to prepare their children to be better than they are - and I don't mean by pushing them for "A's" in kindergarten, but by teaching them to be open to new ideas, to listen, to learn from others and to act in accordance.

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